1. I no longer have to pretend that I like going to sleepovers. I always hated them. I can think of nothing I enjoyed less than staying someplace where I wouldn't reliably be able to brush my teeth, would have to stay awake when I was really tired, and watch scary movies.
2. Now if an eight grade boy annoys me, I make threatening gestures from the safety of my car. I was going to write something here (jokingly), but when I reread it I realized it made me sound genuinely psycho and felonious. So...nothing to see here.
3. No more lockers and the crappy shelves that never worked. The adjustable locker shelves were inevitably disappointing and a waste of $7 which always came from my babysitting money.
4. I can afford a good haircut. This is self-explanatory.
5. I am able to maintain a socially comfortable distance between me and everyone else. Nowhere is this right more violated than middle school choir, where you are grouped at your teacher's whim and you always end up standing next to the strange girl with an extra pinky and weird boundaries.
6. I never have to listen to Toni Braxton, Keith Sweat, R. Kelly or any other crappy mid-90s R&B singer. Music from high school makes me nostalgic but music I liked in junior high causes profound embarrassment. Let's all agree that the music we like at 13 shouldn't be held against us as adults. EVER.
7. No more Laser Night. Some of you who grew up in Lakewood may have memories of Laser Night, the teen night at the local rec center. It was a place where teens could hang out on Saturday night, listen to music and drink contraband alcohol, make out and get in fights. At $7 an hour, the staff was only marginally interested in corralling problem 13-year-olds. I think it would have taken a knife fight to move a lot of them. Also, I caught mono from sharing sodas there. (NOT from making out...I believe I've mentioned my prairie girl dress, which effectively blocked any making out until college.)
8. No more piercing pressure. I coveted a bellybutton piercing starting at 13 and no amount of begging would convince my parents to allow me to get one. So, because I was astonishingly stupid I decided I would do it myself with a safety pin. It took roughly five hours and lasted two days before I decided that wasn't necessarily my best idea ever. I got it pierced for real at 18 and kept it until I got pregnant with Bear. I have no desire to put it back in. I'm almost 30. Also, I've had two kids and that does weird things to your bellybutton.
9. No more bus. Can you believe I used to want to go to the mall so badly that I was actually willing to take a bus? Now I try to avoid the mall but when I do need go, you know how I get there? IN MY CAR.
10. I don't have to participate in mandatory gym class. I'm not opposed to exercise. I'm opposed to group exercise with people infinitely more coordinated than I am with a gym teacher carrying an extra 80 pounds.
11. No one beats me up. Ever. So, I actually never got beat up ever anyway. But now it definitely never happens. Do you know who gets beat up at 30? Me neither, but no one I hang out with.
12. Acne is different now. If I have a gross pimple these days people just ignore it. This also applies to farts.
13. Bad behavior is no longer cool. If doing drugs or engaging in deviant behavior is still your "thing" you are now a social burnout and you don't live in my neighborhood. And I like that very much.
1 comment:
Ha, I love this, it's so relatable! Why DID we want to go to the mall so much at that age? It's really not that fun. Also, I didn't have Laser Night, but there was Fat City (spelled Phat City at the time and formerly formerly known as Fun Plex) which I believe was your Laser Night equivalent, and I remember people getting into fights and doing drugs there, etc. Sketchy. Also, those locker shelves really did suck :P
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