Job tips

I'd like to give you some advice on how to behave if you're looking for a job:

1. Call back every number that comes up on your cell phone without listening to any messages that were left.

2. When the friendly receptionists suggests you listen to your messages, lie and say you have none even though it is company policy to leave a message for every prospective employee.

3. Demand to know who called you. It is clearly the fault of the receptionist if she doesn't have that information on hand.

4. If you're calling in for a phone interview make sure to give the wrong name of the interviewer. Bonus points if you forget it entirely.

5. Be very vocal in your dislike of the company's benefits. Complain that the vacation leave is too minimal, the insurance too expensive and the 401k waiting period too long. This behavior is especially endearing and effective if you are new to your field and have minimal job experience.

6. Make sure to ignore every piece of paperwork the company sends you. These are only going to outline things like which holidays are paid and how long you have to wait until you're eligible to take vacation time. If you actually read them you'll have nothing to call and berate your employers about later.

7. When filling out the application write "see resume" on the job history and reference areas even though you are explicitly told in the instructions: "Do not write 'See resume.'"

8. Do not disclosure felony charges for assault and armed robbery.

Some other tips once you've scored the position:

1. Complain about your job for a full year to anyone that will listen. Quit with less than two weeks notice. When your new job doesn't work out call your old company and demand they give you back your job. Become verbally abusive when told the job has been filled by someone else.

2. Show up late and leave early every single day. Blame a power outage for turning off your alarm. Do this numerous times in your first month of employment.

3. Sleep under your desk every single day. Hide from your boss and cry when he confronts you.

4. Be so completely incompetent that someone has to monitor you constantly.

5. When asked to take on new tasks become defensive and angry. Do a very poor job.

6. Show up to work drunk.

GOOD LUCK!!