Come fly the crabby skies

I've seen a lot of stories in the news lately about the pros and cons of flying with young children.  I love this debate, particularly because I love reading the judgmental comments posted by people who don't have kids. Some of the most common statements are: "Children shouldn't fly until they are [insert age here]", "You don't really need to travel with kids", "Why don't you bring toys/snacks/a shot of whiskey to keep your kid quiet" or, my personal favorite, "I'm entitled to a quiet, pleasant flight."  I shall now take a few minutes to explain and/or debunk each of these.

1.  Children shouldn't fly until they are two/five/a teenager/in college
Oh, how I love these unhelpful observations from people that don't have children.  In rebuttal, I'll relate a little story form my own life.  When I had Bear, Kent was stationed at Fort Bragg thanks to the Army Reserves.  He was gone for a year, which means that he missed the bitchy part of my pregnancy (luckily he was around for the narcoleptic part) and the first few months of Bear's life.  We were able to Skype and talk on the phone but it's not the same as being in the same room and changing shit-up-the-back diapers.  Since he was required to jump through several completely arbitrary hoops in order to visit us, it was easier to visit him.  So at six weeks old I packed up Bear, his car seat, his stroller, and approximately fifty more pounds of gear and flew to North Carolina.  Although I required a whole bottle of Tums to deal with my anxiety about flying with an infant, our trip went great.  One man commented that he didn't even realize I had a baby with me.  (Score!  Also, something that would never again be said to me.)  So I guess, since we obviously had a lot of choice about Kent being gone, Bear and I should have stayed home and dealt with the separation, rather than go for our visit?

2.  You don't really need to travel with kids
First, look at the above story.  Also, in case you aren't aware, flying to Kansas City takes two hours.  Driving there takes 10 hours.  You know which one sucks more with a little kid?  THE TRIP THAT TAKES LONGER.  Sure, in the car you don't make other people listen to your kid cry, but if your the kind of person that's going to bitch about it on an airplane you're exactly the kind of person I'd like to annoy.  And for the record, I've looked into it and leaving your kid at home for five days in a kennel while you and your spouse go to Jamaica is considered abuse.  Even if you leave them plenty of food and water.  I know.  But rules were made to be followed.

3.  Why don't you bring toys/snacks/a shot of whiskey to keep your kid quiet
This is never phrased as a question but always a statement, like you're too stupid to figure out that your kid won't be content chewing on the emergency instructions in the seat pocket for a three hour flight to New Orleans.  Obviously I brought a snack but I don't think it's my fault that I ate it after my child took one bite and then smeared half of it all over me, the seat, the window, and the hair of the person sitting in front of us.  I was hungry and the airlines are cheap.  I'm sorry but one of the 100 calorie bags of "snacks" are not going to keep me happy.  Maybe I should take your airline provided snack instead?  As to the toys...well, we have those as well but my kid is much more interested in taking everything out of my purse and throwing it on the floor.  And the whiskey?  Well naturally I brought that for me.   I was going to share it with you, but frankly you're being kind of a jerk and now I want to keep it all for myself.

4.  I'm entitled to a quiet, pleasant flight
 Oh this is my favorite one of all.  If you truly think that you are entitled to a quiet, pleasant flight then you best save your pennies and charter a private jet or buy your own, a la John Travolta.  Even if my kid quietly colors the tray and the window and doesn't disturb you at all, you'll still have to contend with the teenager playing his iPod so loud you can hear every single filthy word of the most popular rap songs, the extremely drunk vacationers, the 8-year-old kicking your seat and the person sitting next to you who is apparently extremely relaxed on the idea of "personal space."  Let's make it clear: you are entitled to a flight where you get to your destination alive and with most of your luggage intact.  You are not entitled to a flight where no one annoys you.  If that's your view of a realistic life then I think you're going to spend a lot of time disappointed.

Unless the parent of the child in question is blatantly ignoring their distressed child, why don't you go ahead, cut some slack, and stop being an asshole?